“Homosexuality isn’t the answer.”
Yeah, right. You know, most of my life I’ve felt pretty gay. If homosexuality isn’t the answer, then why have I always had these desires and urges? Why did it feel good when I gave in and entertained them, and when I acted on them?
When I kissed my first boyfriend, fireworks went off like crazy. It was confirmation of what all my desires and fantasies had been telling me. It seemed there could be no greater proof that I was queer as a three-dollar bill.
Even when he broke up with me a month later to be with an older man, it’s not like I rejected homosexuality because of that. This wasn’t about him, it was about me. I still wanted a boyfriend. Every desire and emotion in me still seemed to be telling me that if I was going to be happy, if I was going to experience “falling in love,” it would have to be with another guy. I didn’t feel anything like this for girls.
That’s the place I was in, and I know exactly how absurd and infuriating it is when somebody tells you you’re not supposed to be gay. Even worse, it’s usually some jerk who could never understand what you’re going through, and is just talking from some religious point of view and doesn’t care what you’ve been through.
But that’s not me. I’ve been where you are. I’ve had the same feelings. So why would I say that homosexuality isn’t the answer?
I want to challenge your assumptions. After all, why wouldn't a same-sex attracted person’s deepest needs be met by embracing homosexuality?
I told you my first boyfriend left me a month after we got together. The last time I saw him, he said something that frightened and hurt me. I was crying a lot but he didn’t seem to be upset at all. Heartbroken, I asked him why he seemed to show no emotion.
“I’ve been out longer than you,” he told me. “I’ve been with lots of guys, and so will you. After you've broken up a few more times, it will stop hurting."
I was shocked. This was my father’s unfair stereotype about gays, and here it was coming out of my (now ex) boyfriend’s mouth! I was angry, but as I got deeper into the gay community, I found that most—if not all—of the gay-identified men I met lived according to these words.
Soon I found myself living the same way. There were a lot of gay guys I was attracted to, and I got into relationships quickly. I would feel intense infatuation, but it would soon wear off. Sometimes the other guy became disinterested in me first, and left.
At first I hated the idea of anonymous sex, but when a man accosted me at the gym, it kind of felt good. When I would get lonely, I found myself tempted to get that quick, easy connection again.
Why was my life slipping into this pattern? I just wanted to fall in love and have a family, and I thought being “out” was supposed to make that easier. It didn’t look like things were headed that way. Why?
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